Bear News Quickies

"The names are made up, but the problems are real."

Survey reveals teachers 'really don't' live under desks

Contrary to long-held beliefs about their place of residence, a recent student-distributed survey revealed 98.5% of area teachers maintain homes and families outside of school. "What, did you all think I lived under my desk? That's pretty cramped," claimed English teacher Brad Underland. "Plus, I've got to shower more than once a month." Despite access to all necessary living facilities, the underpaid workforce of local schools still insist upon keeping a separate residence, often complete with their own spouse and children. Upon further questioning, even the 1.5% of respondents who claimed to live at school stated their belief that the survey was "a joke." "I mean, this is just my job. I've got a life, too, you know," laughed Economics teacher Brian LeTourneau.

Average student haunted by ghost of smart older sister

In paranormal occurrences, Sophomore Mindy Hawkins, whom teachers, parents, and counselors alike refer to as "an average student," is reportedly haunted by the ghost of her sister, 1998 graduate with honors Sarah Hawkins. "Every day, my teachers tell me Sarah used to be in their class, how much they loved her, how great she was at everything, blah blah blah," Hawkins said. Hawkins' math teacher sighed wistfully when asked about the sophomore. "She does okay, but she's nothing like her sister. You don't get students like Sarah every year." Her counselor stated, "Mindy couldn't possibly live up to her brilliant sister, but she must live with the daily reminder that she is inadequate in comparison. Life is filled with those types of confidence-busting standards." The counselor also noted that the school is considering adopting a "Mediocrity Is OK" attitude to provide emotional support for average students with older, above-average siblings. Upon being asked her opinion of school, Hawkins sighed disdainfully. "I hate my sister. I hate school."

AP Chemistry student goes to sleep at 10:30

At the early hour of 10:30 p.m. last Monday, Senior Jeff Medford, a student in science teacher Wayne Beeson's notoriously work-heavy AP Chemistry class as well as several other advanced classes, told friends online that he was going to bed. "When Jeff told me he was going to sleep, I was shocked," said friend and classmate David Simpson. "He usually doesn't get more than five hours of sleep on a good night, what with all his homework and everything." Medford greeted Tuesday morning with a face conspicuously absent of droopy eyelids or other signs of lack of sleep, which caused much jealousy from other still-yawning, unrested students. Beeson sighed, "Did I not give enough homework? Have I failed as a teacher?"

Frosh girl still has crush on DiCaprio

In a bold statement of trend-bucking last Thursday, Freshman Allyson Ford proudly displayed an image of former teen idol Leonardo DiCaprio in the front pocket of her binder. Next to the close-up photo was written: "Allyson + Leo = True Luv 4 Ever." The defiant act disgusted Ford's female peers. "Leo is so three years ago," stated Freshman Mary Bucksworth, whose binder currently displays the much more socially acceptable boy band 'N Sync. "Allyson totally needs to get over it." When confronted with these allegations of uncoolness, Ford merely sighed dreamily and said, "Love conquers all."

(from The Olympus, special April Fool edition)